As I mourned a friend's loss a couple weeks ago and then had my due date come and pass, I felt like I should share the birth of our fourth son. (And as I was getting ready to publish this, a friend posted that it was Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month so what better time than now.) When I was going through it, it was a help to me to know that others had been through it and maybe this blog post can be someone else's reassurance that they are not alone. There may be some parts that you might think are TMI or maybe info glossed over too quickly, ignore the TMI and ask questions if you're curious about anything you feel was glossed over :)
Typically I wouldn't take the boys with me to a doctor's appointment - they are too rambunctious and I get too stressed about it, but we were going to go to Ag days after my appointment and I wanted to get that in before naptime and it was supposed to just be a quick visit... so off to the doctor I went with all three boys in tow (without the stroller.) I had been feeling completely fine and was almost 17 weeks so I wasn't quite feeling kicks yet (I feel like I always feel them later than most) but was out of the morning sickness stage. We didn't have to wait a super long time for the doctor so I thought we were doing pretty good. Then, the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat right away. I wasn't starting to panic yet because at my last appointment they had trouble and had to listen lower and then found it just fine. However, I'm finding out D is really sensitive to things and he started to get scared/upset. I can still remember the panicked look on his face, so I'm trying to tell him its okay while I start to have thoughts in my head that maybe its not okay.... So they take me over to the ultrasound room and again D was not happy about walking into the room (it was dark and A started joining him in not wanting to walk in the room) but we were able to get them in the room and I sit down for her to start rubbing the wand over my stomach. Unfortunately there was no heartbeat and based on the size, the baby had stopped growing around 14 weeks. I wasn't completely able to process everything since I had the boys, but they told me I would have to deliver the baby since I was farther along than when you could do a D&C. This was on a Friday so I could choose to go to the hospital that day or I could wait until Monday. (Since I wasn't having any discomfort, I could wait and go on Monday, but would have to go asap if I did start having discomfort.) This was about 11am and I just needed to let them know by 1pm if I wanted to go to the hospital today. So I headed out to go home to process this with Tim, and of course D wouldn't walk so I had T on one hip, diaper bag, purse and carrying D too. I remember the ultrasound tech saying "You can't do that" and me saying something like "Sure, I have to do it quite often" and thinking "I can't hurt the baby now, whats the difference?"
So I met Tim at home and we decided to just go to the hospital that day, there was no reason to wait and the fear of if something might happen (and when) made us not really want to go through the next couple days of even more uncertainty. So Tim's mom came and got the boys and we got ready to head to the hospital. We arrived at the L&D floor and they were ready for us. We had a great nurse and she was training someone else on how to deal with these situations - we had a few tears and even a few laughs. My OB that was on call came and checked on me and he was great too -- reassuring us that sometimes we don't know the reason, but that it was nothing that we did. We did have a resident doc who wasn't great, but my nurse was on it and pretty much ushered him out before he could be too insensitive. One thing that was great that she said was "You try to think if you did anything to cause this, but you didn't." and I had been thinking - what did I do 2.5 weeks ago that could have caused this, so it was good to know it was normal to have those thoughts, but that they need to be pushed aside because there isn't anything you did.
One thing that I was super confused about was they kept saying I could get any sort of pain management I would like, including an epidural. I kept wondering is it going to get that painful? I am pretty wimpy in my births and get the epidural pretty much as soon as I can. With T, I was only about a 2.5 and got it, but his birth did progress pretty fast so that is probably why the pain was so intense so "early." I also didn't know how long this process would be, would I be there a few hours? overnight? a few days? Pretty much like any other birth, how long and how painful it is will vary from person to person. I went in hoping to just be a few hours but found it would probably take until Saturday, hopefully we'd be able to go home in the afternoon. (I did have some insight since my sister is an OB nurse, but I can't even remember what I asked her. I remember standing in the sunshine while the boys played in the driveway, but I can't remember what I thought to ask her and what questions came up after we were at the hospital. But really, she could only give me so much information since every situation is slightly different.)
I was induced with A starting the night before with cervadil so I had some concept of how this delivery would be induced. After getting hooked up with the IV and all set, the doctor placed a medicine (I can't remember what this time) on my cervix to get it to soften and dilate. The longer you lay flat, the longer it has to work without risk of falling out. So I laid flat for at least an hour after every dose. I could eat and drink, walk around, etc. We don't have cable/satellite anymore so I watched American Pickers and other cable shows to pass the time. I got my last dose of the evening around 10pm I believe and they were going to go 6 or 8 hours between doses instead of 4 to allow for us to get some sleep. I went to sleep and then woke up having to go to the bathroom; it had been over an hour so I let myself get up to go. The tub in the toilet is not just for measuring your fluid outtake, but it also catches things. As much as I hate to say it, I know it catches things because it caught our baby. I wasn't anticipating delivering yet, and the nurses had speculated that it would probably be the following morning and the pain had only been uncomfortable so far so I was surprised when it happened. The nurses said that is what the container is there for so you don't deliver in the toilet, so as "embarrassing" as it is, it happens and I want someone else who might have it happen to them know that it happened to me. So I yelled to Tim and he called the nurse and they took the baby to wrap it up and me back to the bed to deliver the placenta. This was probably the most painful/long process, but we had a great resident doc who chatted the whole time (her father was an OB in the military and she was one of six) and massaged my abdomen to make it go smoothly. They wrapped the baby up and asked us if we wanted to hold it; I did and when I rubbed its tiny cheek it was cold and I decided I couldn't touch it, but I did hold it for a short time. We asked if they could tell the gender and they were pretty sure it was a boy. My OB doc came in to check on me and look at the baby and said there were no obvious deformities that would have caused the miscarriage. There are tests that could be run on the baby or myself to possibly help determine a cause but they can be expensive and can be inconclusive much of the time. We could do blood tests if we'd like, but it would have to wait a few months for my hormones to regulate. At my post-delivery appointment, I did get the forms for the blood tests, but they are still hanging on our fridge. I could still choose to get them if we want, but we've decided at this time not to investigate further and hope it was a fluke miscarriage. If it happens again, we will definitely look into testing. If we get pregnant again, they will have me take a baby aspirin, extra folic acid and I believe progesterone to try to eliminate anything that could cause the miscarriage.
Overall, the process went smooth for what we had to do. We had a wonderful care team. Since it was the middle of the night, we could get some sleep and get discharged the following day or we could push the discharge through and head home. We decided to head home to our own bed, but didn't realize how long the discharge process would still take so I think we got home around 3am. Luckily, family had the boys and we were able to rest on Saturday and the boys still got to go to Ag days with their Uncle Josh, Aunt Jamie and cousins and then head to a birthday party. We talked a little bit with the boys about losing the baby - fortunately or unfortunately they are somewhat familiar with death. Since A was born, we've lost dogs, a cat, my mom, great grandmas, and a baby. We were blessed over the following days and weeks with meals, starbucks for me, giftcards for restaurants and kind cards. The giftcards were good for the dates the doctor suggested at my post-delivery appointment. :)
We left the hospital with a little memory box that others who have lost a baby put together for us. It included a note from others, a note from our nurses, a blanket, a candle and some bears (which I recognized the name on some of the items.) I have also put my ultrasound pics, the kind cards that were sent and the memorial information in it. So its a keepsake box that I can pull out whenever I need to remember we were blessed with a fourth, who just couldn't stay here on earth with us.
David was been a wonderful little helper with her also. Actually, all the boys have - they want to see where Caroline is and check on her as soon as she starts to fuss. Andrew and David attempt to "Shh shh shh" her if I'm not right there because they've seen me calm her by doing that. 
(These two pictures were first thing the other morning. I came downstairs and the first thing out of Thomas and David's mouths were that they wanted to hold Caroline.)
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